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"If you can say Schwarzenegger you can say Esparza"

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“If you can say Schwarzenegger, you can say Esparza”

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- Raúl Esparza on idiots who kept pressuring him to change his name to something less latino. (via magnetic-rose)

Our names are not a burden.

(via zombieflorence)

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“His Career Will Be Absolutely Fine”: On Telling People About Being Molested

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blue-door-1437537-mMy father molested me. He wasn’t the worst molester in the world, or even a particularly dedicated one (his other interests – choir, hiking, his compost heap – got in the way), but he did it and two years ago I told the police.

I learned a lot that year. For example, did you know that a sex offender isn’t necessarily charged according to the most current Sexual Offences Act? They’re charged according to the act that was around when they doing that particular molesting, “Otherwise,” the lady police officer explained to me, “It would be unfair on the molester.”

I learned that public sector staff tilt their heads to one side when you tell them about child sex abuse and I learned that police officers are easily charmed by paedophiles despite the stereotype of the paedophiles that easily charm police officers that haunts late night paedophilia specials.

Other Things I Learned

Your mother will try to turn the conversation from Dad’s A Paedophile to You’re A Bisexual. You will tell her that he used to sniff the insides of your underwear, she will say, “You’d know all about women’s underwear, wouldn’t you?” and there will be this deep pause before the insults start.

Communication with your mother will become extremely sparse, and will soon be relegated to birthdays and religious holidays. You will offer the briefest of written words and she will respond with oblique jokes about Kim Jong-un. She doesn’t have an email account of her own, so she will use your father’s email address to communicate with you. Every time his email address comes up in your inbox you almost shit your pants.

Communication with your mother will start taking place via your sister. Your mother will tell your sister that you are a sociopath, that this is all the fault of your lesbian godmothers who have implanted these memories into your fragile brain, and that you are doing this in order to get money out of your father. You have such a strong compulsion to ring her up and explain to her that you don’t go to the police about someone’s paedophilia and then ask for money; you threaten to go to the police unless you are given money, but you are gradually losing your ears to Meniere’s disease and you know that if you ring the house there is a chance that he will pick up the phone.

Your sister will confirm your mother’s suspicions that you live with a lady in a romantic way even though you specifically asked her not to do this. You will freak out for about three hours and then realize that it doesn’t matter if your mother thinks you’re a lesbian because she doesn’t know where you live anymore.

You will realize your mother doesn’t know where you live anymore.

You will have fantasies about the day when your right kidney, your worse functioning kidney, stops functioning altogether and you need a new one and your mother will offer you hers and you will decline and make a joke about how you don’t accept kidneys from child sex abuse apologists. You will say it in a tone of voice that implies that this is a common political belief – that lots of people boycott kidneys from child sex abuse apologists, that this is a noted ideological stance, like boycotting Nestle. It will make you laugh and then you will cry because you need a kidney.

You will remember that your mother almost certainly has a policy of not donating kidneys to people who have accused her husband of molesting them.

You will have fantasies about the day when your right kidney, your worse functioning kidney, stops functioning at all and you need a new one and your father offers you his and this leads to a dramatic DNA test ordered by the hospital which concludes once and for all that he is not your biological father. Your kidney will be so gratified by this news that it will start functioning again.

You will realize through watching a single episode of House that nobody does DNA tests on prospective kidney donors.

Your sister’s fiancé will ring you up and tell you that it is time that you rang your parents up to have it out with them. You will ask him what out means, and he will explain that he thinks you should talk all ‘this’ through before it is too late. You will ask what ‘this’ means and he will say that ‘this’ refers to the accusations you have been making about your father’s inappropriate sexual behaviour, as if he really thinks that you will ring up your father and say, “Hey Dad. Doesn’t time fly? It seems like only yesterday when you were sexually abusing me. Any plans for your birthday?”. You will ask what too late means, and he will explain that it means after your father sues you for libel or after your father dies.

You will have fantasies about your father suing you for libel. You will wear a suit like the female characters in all your favourite courtroom dramas and you will pace up and down the courtroom in such a dignified manner that your father will lose all sense of control and he will suddenly confess to his crimes and be imprisoned forever.

You will remember that paedophiles serve shorter prison sentences than burglars.

You will remember that you don’t believe in the prison industrial complex anyway.

You will have fantasies about your father dying. You will remember the day when your mother rang you up to tell you that your father had expired, and only explained somewhat into the conversation that he was in fact still living but was extremely ill in the hospital, having breakfasted on gone off chicken liver pate. You will remember how you told her, at the time, that it is unethical to tell your child that their father has died when their father has not died, and you will remember how she told you to stop being so dramatic.

Read more “His Career Will Be Absolutely Fine”: On Telling People About Being Molested at The Toast.

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Courtney
4 hours ago
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Cuts to the bone
Boston, MA
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1 public comment
RedSonja
7 hours ago
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ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS, but powerfully written.

Dirtbag Encyclopedia Brown

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encyclopediaThis edition of the Dirtbag Series is brought to you by Jason.

[SALLY KIMBALL rushes into ENCYCLOPEDIA'S office in the garage. ENCYCLOPEDIA is leaning back in a chair, feet on his father's squad car, eyes closed, smoking a cigarette]
SALLY: Oh, Encyclopedia, I think I’ve solved the mystery of the missing umpire! The umpire was a fraud — no real umpire ever dusts off the plates with his back to the c–
[ENCYCLOPEDIA holds up his hand]
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Sally
you know what would be really helpful to me right now
is if you could find out where my dad keeps the key to the liquor cabinet
SALLY: you mean — like another mystery?
ENCYCLOPEDIA: yeah
SALLY: I don’t see what that has to do with the umpire
ENCYCLOPEDIA: well
it does
so go solve that mystery

 

[CHIEF BROWN and ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN are sitting together at the dinner table. CHIEF BROWN pulls an ENVELOPE out of his pocket]
CHIEF BROWN: Oh, before I forget, Encyclopedia, this letter came to the station for you this afternoon. It’s enclosed with 25 cents. They want you to meet them at Mr. Dunning’s gas station tomorrow morning at sunrise.
[ENCYCLOPEDIA leans back in his chair and closes his eyes]
ENCYCLOPEDIA: I’m not getting up at sunrise to go to a gas station unless someone sucks my dick when I get there
[CHIEF BROWN begins to choke]
ENCYCLOPEDIA: so I’m sure as fuck not going for twenty-five fucking cents

 

CHIEF BROWN: WHO DID THIS
ENCYCLOPEDIA: who did what
CHIEF BROWN: WHO WROTE “DETECTIVE PUSSY” ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS SLEEPING
ENCYCLOPEDIA: where
CHIEF BROWN: HERE
RIGHT HERE
RIGHT ON MY FACE
ENCYCLOPEDIA: looks normal to me
CHIEF BROWN: WELL IT ISN’T
MY FACE DOESN’T NORMALLY SAY THAT
ENCYCLOPEDIA: real tough case, Dad
unsolvable stuff if you ask me

 

SALLY: Oh, Encyclopedia
Bugs is dead
Oh Christ, he’s dead, he’s dead
ENCYCLOPEDIA: that so
listen do you have any cigarettes
SALLY: Why, Encyclopedia
you know I don’t smoke
ENCYCLOPEDIA: well maybe you should
it might make you look older
SALLY: I — all right. But Encyclopedia, we’ve got to get down to the school right away –
ENCYCLOPEDIA: You go ahead
I’ll catch up
I’m working on the Case of the Missing Ginger Ale right now
SALLY: Didn’t you hear me? Bugs is dead.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Sally. What does this sign say?
SALLY: He’s dead –
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Tell me what the sign says.
SALLY [sobbing]: It says — no case too small.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: No case too small.
SALLY: All right, Encyclopedia
ENCYCLOPEDIA: So you go ahead and run on down to the school and figure out who bludgeoned Bugs, and I’ll stay here and look for that pesky ginger ale.
SALLY: I never said Bugs was bludgeoned to death.
[ENCYCLOPEDIA freezes. Then he reaches into a drawer behind him and pulls out something heavy and hidden from view.]
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Gosh, you’re right, Sally. What an idiot I am. I must have heard something about it on TV before you got here. I think I will come down to the school with you after all.
SALLY: Oh, thank goodness, Encyclopedia.
ENCYCLOPEDIA: Will you come over here for just a minute first? I need your help finding something.

Read more Dirtbag Encyclopedia Brown at The Toast.

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Courtney
4 hours ago
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I think this goes beyond the realm of dirtbag and into something darker but then I did always love EB too much to be objective
Boston, MA
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Things Terry Richardson Looks Like

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Screen Shot 2014-04-23 at 10.56.15 AMJust earlier this year, a former model came forward to claim that during a shoot, Richardson ‘licked her ass, had her squeeze his balls, and even ejaculated into her eye — making sure his assistant captured everything on film.’”

  • Syndrome from Disney’sThe Incredibles but on a nine-day juice fast
  • Heroin Opie from the darkest timeline of Andy Griffith
  • Ginger Skeletor
  • Every villain in the “Are You Afraid of the Dark” carnival episode
  • Like a living Jack-O-Lantern that has fucked the Cryptkeeper
  • Morgan Spurlock after he’s been kept in a basement for fourteen years on a subsistence diet of gruel
  • Starving Matthew McConaughey crossed with all the melting dudes at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • the human equivalent of a high-grade fever
  • Evil Mr. Peanut
  • A hoodie that has never been washed
  • Scarecrow fromBatman Begins disguised as a lumberjack
  • A cross between the Pied Piper and Spring-Heeled Jack
  • Someone who would try to talk to you in line at 7/11 at 3 in the morning
  • Canadian Borat
  • A California Raisin that has scurvy
  • A Slim Jim that has been given human form by an evil djinn
  • Fred Astaire and Buffalo Bill fromSilence of the Lamb‘s love child
  • the red-headed bully from “Salute Your Shorts” with a vitamin-D deficiency
  • Dov Charney after being immersed in the evil “Dip” fromWho Framed Roger Rabbit?
  • A no-makeup Joker
  • White Jafar
  • Exactly like what someone with the soul of Terry Richardson should look like

[Image via @darth]

Read more Things Terry Richardson Looks Like at The Toast.

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Courtney
4 hours ago
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Perfect right down to the darth pic
Boston, MA
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In just one year, Zynga has lost nearly half of its daily active users

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It's been a rough year for Zynga, which has relegated founder Mark Pincus to being chairman of the board.

Zynga needs some good news, and fast: in its Tuesday quarterly earnings filling, the company reported that its daily active users rose from 27 million in the last quarter of 2013 to 28 million this quarter. But when compared to the first quarter of 2013, Zynga had 53 million daily active users—which means the company has lost about half of its most active players in a year.

Just months after Zynga spent $527 million on NaturalMotion, maker of Clumsy Ninja, the embattled social gaming firm also announced that it ended its first quarter by losing over $61 million. At this time last year, the company had profited $4.1 million during the first three months of 2013.

Still, the company's chief executive tried to play the loss down.

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Courtney
4 hours ago
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If they're still around in 2015 I'll be kind of impressed
Boston, MA
smadin
7 hours ago
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Today in Zyngafreude.
Boston
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My I know its wrong oh god so wrong so very wrongNOBODY...

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My “I know it’s wrong, oh god so wrong, so very wrong—NOBODY LOOK AT ME” ship

Basically.

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