Yeah, we got our auras photographed and analyzed. Wanna fight about it? We had our Toast Retreat in Sedona. You have to get your aura photographed in Sedona. You go to Philadelphia, you eat a cheesesteak; you go to the Vortex Capital of Arizona, you pay a friendly, long-haired lady in a white lace shawl to take a picture of your aura. Shut up. We each got a 23-page report about our auras and chakras and stress levels and heart openness, and you’re lying if you say you wouldn’t do the same thing.
Oh, but couldn’t you have spent that money more productively, like donated it to a thing or investing or a nice hat? Yes, probably. Are auras and chakras even part of the same spiritual tradition? I dunno, man. Isn’t this just another example of wealthy Americans appropriating various authentic rituals from various cultures, then garbling them into useless spiritual tchotchkes? Honestly, you’re being really combative about this, and I don’t think taking a picture of your aura is authentic to anything.
We had the option of buying a four-page report. Who on earth would pay for a meager four-page report about themselves? You’ve already decided to have your aura photographed and listen to a stranger talk about how you hold all your emotions in your throat; you’re not interested in just getting the basics. You’re deep in the desert of the feels.
One of our reports was more accurate than the other. Here is Nicole, with her MASSIVE, CRYSTAL-CLEAR BLUE-GREEN AURA:
“Deep green people are quick-minded, goal-oriented, social, material, communicative organizers.”
And here is Mallory, with her BULLSHIT MUDDY “INDIGO’ AURA THAT HAS A STUPID GREEN HAT ON IT INSTEAD OF THE SOUL OF ORANGE AND RED FLAME THAT SO OBVIOUSLY BURNS WITHIN ME:
“Clarity, calm, deep inner feelings, loving, loyal, introverted, inner values, artistic.” LIKE HELL.
Yes, of course, I look beautiful and beatific beyond the lot of mortal women, but this is cold comfort.
NICOLE: “A strong and powerful radiance. Other people can feel your strong aura. Use your charisma and aura power to achieve your goals and dreams.” ACCURATE
MALLORY: “You have an average aura, with radiant energy. You can achieve your goals by increasing your aura even more and focusing on your goals.” WHAT
MALLORY: “You have a balanced, harmonious heart chakra, signifying openness and deep inner feeling.” WHAT
NICOLE: “You have a large, overactive, high-energy throat chakra.” ACCURATE
MALLORY: “Low creativity, intellectual and analytical thinking or playful qualities. Have more fun and joy in your life, increase your creativity.” WHAT
MALLORY: “You have a slightly unbalanced, underactive throat chakra; you may have limited emotional and verbal expression and difficulty communicating your emotions.” WHAT
NICOLE: “The relaxation graph shows your physical relaxation or stress level and is mainly based on your body temperature. You have a high relaxation level, very balanced and high energy.” ACCURATE
MALLORY: “Centered, stable, unemotional, passive, does not express emotions easily, keeps emotions inside.” HOW MUCH MORE EXPRESSING DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
NICOLE: “Very emotional and sensitive, expresses emotions freely.” FUCK YOU NICOLE
MALLORY: “Your right male active body side has a higher energy level than your left female passive side.” HOW VERY DARE YOU
NICOLE: “Your female, left side of your body seems to be more active than your right active masculine side.” NICOLE IS THE DIVINE MOTHER
MALLORY: “Are you more concerned about others than yourself? You may find it difficult to set your boundaries and to say NO.” I AM IN A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES
MALLORY: “Clear deep blue shows your desire to be of service. You may be introverted, feeling misunderstood, not wanting to deal with the world. You may need to escape through dreams and fantasies.” WHAT
NICOLE: “Clear, bright and rich greens indicate that you are an outgoing and social person. You make a great friend.” KING NICOLE, EVERYBODY LOVES HER
MALLORY: “Indigos have no need to understand mental concepts…Their honesty and friendly attitude can lead to many opportunities creatively and in business. Their bodies may be delicate.” BULLSHIT
NICOLE: “Greens usually accept the authority of others without offering any resistance.” AT LAST
Read more Yeah, Nicole and Mallory Got Our Auras Read. Wanna Fight About It? at The Toast.